Love on two wheels
Photography: Clancy Dennehy
Photograph by Clancy Dennehy
An important but rarely discussed aspect of both casual dating and a committed relationship is the distance that can exist between two people, and how best to transcend it. Not the emotional, psychological or cultural distance, but the actual spatial distance... the city blocks that may separate two lovers, or the distance between a united couple and their desired destination. The issue of transportation is integral to any relationship fated to evolve beyond email and text messaging. Yet within the contemporary glut of relationship advice columns, literature and TV personalities, transportation-related challenges remain a largely unexplored area.
Katie Alvord is one person who has written extensively about this topic. Her well-known book Divorce your Car was published in 2000. It is full of relationship metaphors, all which help to articulate her central idea that our dependence on the car is fundamentally unhealthy for ourselves, our environment, and ultimately (and ironically) our economy . Seven years later, Katie's exploration of the role transportation plays in relationships with others and with oneself remains relevant.
Different paths leading to the same place
Katie recognizes both the challenges and opportunities that arise out of diverging transportation choices and discusses how, in her own relationship, these differences have at times become a point of contention:
"(It) has sometimes caused strain or conflict. I think that's inevitable in a world where nearly all forms of non-car transport are treated as second class. It puts different means of travel on a very tipsy (as opposed to level) playing field, which can make sound travel choices much harder at times."
Katie is married, and her partner made the independent choice to buy a Prius a few years ago. Because of her occasional use of the car she considers herself to be part of a car lite household, and admits that just having the car option can at times present unique challenges:
"There have been occasions when I wanted to walk or bike some place and my spouse wanted to drive, and I caved to keep the peace. That felt lousy. There have been times, too, when he has given in to my insistence we bike somewhere, and that hasn't always worked too smoothly, either."
Despite these challenges Katie generally finds the social benefits of traveling self-propelled very satisfying:
"The best thing about it is that it has helped me find kindred spirits. And there's something about the shared experience of a bike ride or a brisk walk that's nice for building bonds between people. Maybe it's the shared high induced by exercise-produced endorphins, or the mutual consumption of fresh air and oxygen. Whatever, biking and walking put you in a good mood, and doing so with another person puts you in each other's company in best form."
Two way traffic
Like many that have spent time examining relationship dynamics, Katie concludes that communication, including the ability to know when the other person needs space, is one key to a healthy relationship:
"Best is when we have been able to give each other the space to make our own decisions about travel. Case in point: neighbours invited us over for dinner one night. Their house was only two miles away, so I wanted to bike, but it was dark, we were running late, and my spouse wanted to drive. For relationship health, I wanted to respect his feelings and not lay guilt trips, but I also wanted to honor my own wish to bike to dinner and not use a car for this short trip. We managed to have a reasonable discussion about this, and when I left on my bike, accepting that he would drive over later, we were on good terms. He showed up for dinner ten or fifteen minutes after I got to our neighbour's place and I thought no more about the transport issue. But when it came time to leave, I walked out and saw that my spouse had come over on his bike, after all! This was a delightful surprise, and more meaningful because I knew he'd made the choice to do so for him, without me doing any arm-twisting. We had an exhilarating ride home together."
A sordid kind of love affair
For Katie, overcoming transportation challenges has helped make her relationship stronger. But in a culture that has been entangled in a love affair with cars since their advent, it is difficult for many to imagine relationships without one.
Carry, an avid cyclist from Calgary, says that while she commutes to work and other nearby destinations by bike, she likely wouldn't consider dating someone without a car. She explains that while cycling is an important part of my life, there are many activities I enjoy doing that I can't do on a bicycle...especially in Calgary. She adds One day I may be ready to move towards a car-free lifestyle, but for now, having a vehicle, and having a partner with a vehicle, is crucial.
In contrast, for those at the other end of the spectrum, it is difficult to imagine dating someone who doesn't define their transportation style in terms of self-propelled.
Marc, an avid cyclist (who is car free but belongs to a car co-op) admits he likely wouldn't consider dating someone primarily car dependent, and says: My bicycle is my vehicle; it is my way of getting around. But, it is more than that, it is also what it reveals about my personal perspective and approach to life. If reflects some of my core values, like for example, leading a healthy active life and reducing my environmental load. And these are things that for me are important to share with someone I am involved with. He admits this hasn't always been smoothest path: I have definitely been in situations where people I am dating have lost interest upon realizing I don't own a car, unfortunately assuming that this indicates a certain income level or whatever.
Rational arguments aside, cyclists polled in casual conversation agree that other cyclists are more attractive to them. Why? Cyclists are more in touch with their bodies, says Erin, and they're less self conscious, says Paul.
In the end, the lingering question of how to transcend these spatial differences remains. For those firmly positioned on either extreme of the spectrum the answer is simple. However, for those somewhere in the middle and potentially considering a move toward a car free lifestyle or relationship, Katie offers insights. She points out the challenge is not only redefining our relationship with the car, but also with an aspect of our own self image, and recognizes that there are both psychological and social components of such a transition. She admits that, as with old lovers, the transition is not necessarily a clean break and has the following advice:
For me personally, there is always (reflection) on any old relationship, that's just the kind of person I happen to be , and offers these final thoughts: When we look back with nostalgia we separate the good things from the drawbacks but in real life the good and bad aren't separate... with cars, as with old lovers, when you look back realistically you can usually see you had damn good reasons to get out of that relationship.
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